Joe Biden Signs With Creative Artists Agency

By
Rachel Stevenson
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Well, folks, just when you thought we had reached peak absurdity, here comes Joe Biden, fresh off his tenure of… well, whatever you want to call the last four years, signing with a Hollywood talent agency. And not just any agency—Creative Artists Agency (CAA), the same folks who manage A-list celebrities and top-tier entertainers. Because when you think of box office gold, naturally, you think of Joe Biden.

Now, of course, this news came with the usual round of polished PR nonsense. According to CAA’s co-chairman Richard Lovett, Biden is “one of America’s most respected and influential voices in national and global affairs.” Let’s pause for laughter. This is the same Joe Biden who has struggled to string together a coherent sentence without a teleprompter and whose foreign policy expertise includes being publicly outmaneuvered by Vladimir Putin and creating a debacle in Afghanistan. But sure, let’s pretend he’s some kind of elder statesman oozing credibility.

And in case you were wondering, yes, Lovett and his fellow CAA honchos—Bryan Lourd and Kevin Huvane—just so happen to be major Democratic donors. Shocking, right? Because nothing screams “merit-based decision” like a trio of Hollywood elites, fresh off funneling cash into Biden’s reelection campaign, deciding to represent him in his post-presidential career. It’s almost like politics and Hollywood are just two arms of the same self-congratulatory machine.

This isn’t even Biden’s first go-around with CAA. He originally signed with them in 2017 after leaving the vice presidency, which apparently led to a book deal (translation: someone else wrote it, and his name was slapped on the cover) and a paid speaking tour. Because nothing says “man of the people” quite like collecting hefty paychecks to stand at a podium and recite a carefully scripted sob story.

But let’s get real: What exactly is CAA planning to do with Joe Biden now? He’s not about to become the next breakout movie star. Or is he? Maybe they’ve got a few projects in mind where his particular, let’s say, skill set could be put to good use. Let’s consider some possibilities: A revival of Tales from the Crypt, starring Biden as the Crypt-Keeper. No makeup needed. A remake of Weekend at Bernie’s, where he simply reprises his role from the 2024 campaign trail.

The possibilities are endless! The only real question left is: What took Hollywood so long? The man has spent his entire political career playing a role. Whether it was “Middle-Class Joe” (who somehow amassed millions on a senator’s salary) or “Foreign Policy Expert” (who got every major decision wrong), Biden has been acting for decades. Now, at least, he’s taking his talents to an industry where everyone else is pretending, too.

But here’s the good news: whatever happens next, Joe Biden is no longer the president. America may still be dealing with the wreckage he left behind—record inflation, a border in chaos, international embarrassments—but at least we don’t have to endure another four years of watching the leader of the free world struggle to find the exit. Now, if only we could convince the rest of the D.C. political class to pack up and head to Hollywood, maybe this country could finally get back on track.

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