Schumer Announces Portal For Whistleblowers

By
Rachel Stevenson
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Nobody likes a tattletale. Everyone knows it. It’s playground law. Even the Brady Bunch covered this decades ago. But apparently, leftists skipped that lesson because they love snitching—especially when they think it’s going to take down their political enemies.

Take Scotland, for example. Their government, in its infinite wisdom, decided to launch a Hate Crime and Public Order Act snitch line so people could report mean words that hurt their fragile feelings. And in what can only be described as chef’s kiss irony, the hotline was immediately flooded with complaints about none other than Humza Yousaf, the First Minister of Scotland, who was a big proponent of the law but also had quite a history of, well, let’s just say less than friendly remarks about white people. Whoops. Turns out, when you invite the public to snitch, you don’t always control who gets snitched on.

Now, fast forward to America, where Chuck Schumer apparently thought, Hey, let’s try that! Because nothing screams “good idea,” like copying a failed policy from across the pond. Schumer decided to launch his very own whistleblower portal to collect grievances about the Trump administration and the Department of Energy (DOGE). Because, you know, there totally weren’t already multiple whistleblower processes in place for federal workers. But hey, never underestimate a Democrat’s ability to spend taxpayer money on something completely redundant.

So, how did this go for Schumer? Exactly as everyone (except him, apparently) expected. Within minutes, conservative Twitter got wind of the portal, and let’s just say they did not use it as intended. Some of the “whistleblower” complaints were pure comedy gold. Suddenly, reports were pouring in about Fauci’s sketchy pandemic-era decisions, Nancy Pelosi’s mysteriously timed stock trades, and—oh yes—Schumer’s criminally bad attempt at grilling hamburgers. Seriously, if you haven’t seen the video, brace yourself. This man slapped cheese slices onto raw hamburger patties, sitting on an unlit grill, and thought, Yep, nailed it! If that’s not a crime against humanity, what is?


But the pièce de résistance? The whistleblower reports demanding investigations into Schumer himself. Because if we’re going to talk about “threats to democracy,” shouldn’t we start with a guy who literally stood on the steps of the Supreme Court and threatened justices by name? That’s not hyperbole—it happened. But sure, let’s focus on whistleblowing about DOGE instead.

Here are a few more that came in…these are great!

Schumer got exactly what he deserved: a full-force internet trolling that made Scotland’s hate speech hotline disaster look tame. Maybe next time, Democrats will think twice before setting up a taxpayer-funded tattletale portal. But let’s be real—they won’t. Because if there’s one thing leftists love more than big government, it’s making sure you can’t escape it.

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