Pittsburgh Makes Changes To Police Shifts

It seems the city of Pittsburgh has officially rolled out the welcome mat for criminals. In a stunning move that has the residents of the city scratching their heads, the Pittsburgh Bureau of Police has announced major changes to their public safety and law enforcement policies.

Apparently, the city decided that having a full-staffed police department was simply too much of a burden on their hardworking officers. So, in their infinite wisdom, they have cut the number of patrol officers from 740 to a measly 640.

And if that wasn’t enough, the remaining officers will now be working four 10-hour shifts with three consecutive days off. That’s right – fewer cops on the streets and fewer hours patrolling the city. Brilliant.

Oh, and don’t think that criminals will be deterred by these changes. The department has also announced that they will no longer be responding to 150,000 calls. That’s right -if you’re a victim of a crime, don’t bother calling the police. You’ll be directed to an “enhanced telephone reporting unit.” Nothing says “we care about your safety,” like telling victims to just report their crime over the phone.

But wait, there’s more! In another stroke of genius, the police department has decided that between 3 AM and 7 AM, there will be no officers stationed at any of the six police stations in the city. That’s right – zero police presence during those crucial hours when most crimes occur. The residents of Pittsburgh will just have to fend for themselves or maybe use one of those fancy new call boxes that have been installed. What could go wrong?

And if you thought it couldn’t get any worse, think again. The night shift will consist of a mere 20 officers patrolling the entire city. That’s like sending a tiny army against a horde of criminals. Good luck, Pittsburgh.

But don’t worry, the police department has assured the public that these changes are for the officers’ own well-being. Apparently, an extra day off and one hour of “wellness time” per week is more important than the safety and security of the citizens they have sworn to protect. And let’s not forget the added bonus of making it more difficult for criminals to be caught or deterred.